


Loss

by AnotherLostSoul



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Goodbyes, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Insanity, L Wins (Death Note), M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24234847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherLostSoul/pseuds/AnotherLostSoul
Summary: Lossnoun:the fact or process of losing something or someone.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 19
Kudos: 81





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Written to commemorate a recent personal loss, this fic is therefore dark and full of angst and bitterness. However, as with all of my writing, I've found writing this fic oddly cathertic as well and I hope people can take something from that. It has certainly helped me through the grieving process. 
> 
> I planned to post this at a later date as I'm taking a break from writing/posting for a while, however I'm an idiot and pressed post rather than preview so there you go. 
> 
> Get some tissues ready! 😭

Sometimes L visited the criminals he'd incarcerated. Of course, they had to meet a very strict set of requirements:

They had to be brilliant, ruthless or to have something about them that set them apart. 

They had to have made the chase, the  _ game, _ worthwhile. 

And they had to be unrepentant. L wasn't interested in mewling apologies from criminals, he wanted to break them apart and get under their skin. He wanted to crack them open and see what was his inside. Sometimes he found himself there. Whatever his reasons, he found doing this helped keep him focused on his cases.

Today's visit was a rarity, and something L had been delaying for a while. He'd used case work as an excuse but Watari had seen right through it. 

_ 'You need to face  _ **_him_ ** _ sooner or later, L…' _

L felt pathetic for wishing it could have been later.  _ Much  _ later. But he couldn't delay it any longer. It had been six months since this particular case had been closed and life had (sort of) moved on. It was time for him to get some closure and attempt to do the same. 

L walked behind Watari, using the man's larger frame as security, and glanced around the secure facility. He'd commissioned it to house the creme de le creme of criminals. The unrepentant, likely to offend again bastards society wished were dead. 

And then there were the criminally insane that were also housed here. Fascinating subjects, but L did try and avoid them when he could. There was something so terribly tragic about a broken mind. 

_ 'Light-Kun's mind was always beautiful. Sharp…' _

L broke that train of thought, his eyes scanning the pure white walls of the asslym. He had specficly stated he did  _ not _ want white walls. The absence of colour made psychosis worse in the majority of inmates. L wasn't  _ that  _ cruel. 

"Watari…" L all but growled. Watari met his eye and gave a short nod before brusquly demanding the head of the facility to report to him at once. There was going to be hell to pay for this re-decorating disaster and heads would roll, Watari would see to that. 

L felt rattled by the disobedience but he knew it was more than that. He was annoyed that  _ he  _ had had to endure it. His mood dark, L stalked past the guards and demanded to be admitted into Cell 32. 

"Disable all cameras and stand guard around the corner. I require privacy" L ordered, barely giving them a glance as he passed them. He was going to have someone's balls for this monumental fuck up. The pure white walls and the sterile environment were all wrong. It wasn't that he wanted these criminals living in the lap of luxury but  _ this _ stark barreness was unacceptable. 

L noticed Watari was busy talking to an increasingly pale official and smiled. Watari would get this sorted. He was the only one he could depend on now. 

The steel doors to cell 32 opened and L's lips thinned in displeasure at the  _ white  _ he saw in the all but empty cell. He trailed his gaze across the bare walls until they found the curled up figure rocking back and forth on the small cot in the corner. 

"Hello, Kira"

No reaction. 

L stepped closer, his tone softening. "Light?"

Nothing. L frowned, an icy feeling settling in his stomach. He'd been convinced six months wasn't a long enough period of time. He'd been certain Light's brilliance couldn't be tarnished so soon. 

It appeared he was wrong. As L took a few steps closer, Light finally lifted his head and  _ smiled _ at him. L was struck by how messy that auburn hair was. It hung limply in the young man's face and it made L's stomach twist in knots. The Light Yagami he knew was always facetious in his grooming. He would  _ never _ allow himself to look like this. 

"Hello! Who are you?" The voice was cheery, strained and it made the ice shatter in L's veins. 

He'd  _ lost _ him! 

"No" L hurried across the room and caught Light by his shoulders and shook them firmly. "No. Don't say that, Light. You know who I am. You  _ have  _ to know who I am!"

The dim amber eyes and the blank stare he received in return refuted that. There was nothing left. L shivered as he felt a hollow numbness sweep through him. Gone. Light was  _ gone.  _

L turned two stricken eyes to the hideous figure giggling in the corner. "How long has he been like this?" he rasped out in anguish, "Why didn't you tell me?! Why didn't anyone tell me?!"

"Eh, It's like I told Lighto. I'm not on your side, I'm not on his. I don't owe you anything, Detective L. it's been quite interesting to watch. At first anyway. He'd sit still for hours and mumble your name in his sleep but the last two months…" Ryuk clicked his tongue, "Nothing much left of 'im now"

L shook his head in disbelief. How could this have happened? Light was his equal, his nemesis, his friend and his… 

His Kira. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. Light wasn't supposed to lose his mind! If L had known he would have simply executed him. It would have been kinder. 

"Why haven't you written down his name?" L had to force out every word, his eyes narrowing at the Shinigami in disgust. 

"I'm getting around to it. I'm actually going to do it soon, I've wrung out as much entertainment from him as I can and this is getting  _ boring _ now"

From the corner, Light giggled softly. 

L felt his heart break. He knew it was probably useless but he had to try. He leaned forward and grabbed Light by the shoulders. Light simply smiled at him dreamily. 

"You have pretty eyes! But goodness you look tired. You need to sleep, Sir" Light smiled an innocent, broken smile, his features too soft. He looked like a child. 

He wasn't someone L recognized anymore. L nearly jumped back. What kind of medication had they doped him with? Shaking his head to clear it, L lifted a hand to Light's cheek and leaned in to kiss him. It started soft and sweet like it had that night in the rain but soon L was kissing harder, mirroring the passion and desperation of their last kiss. 

Except this time Light wasn't kissing back. He might as well be kissing a statue. 

"You don't remember me" L pulled away slowly, his gaze locked on Light's foggy eyes. "You really are lost…"

Light reached out to toy with a strand of L's hair. L froze, heart hammering in his chest. Light used to do that sometimes. Without a word he would just reach out and toy with his hair (usually with a scathing remark with how much nicer it would be if he'd actually brushed it) was this a sign his Light was still in there somewhere? 

L had to be sure. He licked his lips nervously and reached for the slip of paper in his pocket. On the paper was Higuchi's name written in heavily oxidized blood. This paper had brought back Light's memories of Kira.

L gently tapped Light's hand with it, bracing himself for the scream. 

But nothing happened. The only sounds he could hear was his own heartbeat, Light's gentle breaths and Ryuk's irritating snickers. 

"Too late, Detective. He can't remember. His mind is broken"

_ 'His mind is broken' _

L stumbled to his feet and backed away from Light. It felt like everything was turning in on itself. Suddenly he couldn't see a future. He was trapped in a vaccum of  _ loss _ and it pinned him to the spot. He opened his mouth to speak but found he had no words. What did he do? How could he live now? 

Thankfully Watari, ever watchful, appeared to lay a gentle hand on his shoulder and brought L back from that invisible brink of despair. 

"Come, we should leave"

L nodded his head woodenly. Yes, they should leave, there was nothing for them here. 

"Write his name down" L whispered, tears stinging in his eyes, "Write it down now. End it"

Light was humming something softly to himself, fingers curling and uncurling in the threadbare blanket on his cot. L couldn't bear to see it. 

Ryuk considered with a toothy smirk. "I will if you give me apples"

"Watari will get you a crate full…  _ please _ , Shinigami. End this"

Watari steeled himself and tightened his grip on his ward's shoulder as the Shinigami pulled out his Death Note from his belt. He knew the damage losing Light would cause L. He'd seen the boy's impact on him. Light Yagami had somehow gotten under L's skin. He'd reached L's heart and carved a space for himself there. 

Ryuk wrote  _ Light Yagami _ with a flourish and a denomic smirk. "So much for your new world, Kid. Still, it's been intresring. We killed each other's boredom for quite a while"

L once again walked towards Light and knelt next to the cot. "We both knew this was inevitable, Light. We knew that night in the rain the end was coming for one of us. You thought it was me, and I did too but… your plan failed and now here we are" L slowly reached out and took Light's hands in his. "You're going to die soon, Light"

There was a flicker of  _ something  _ in those amber eyed that made L's breath catch in his throat. Then Light gently squeezed his hands and tears that had been threatening to spill poured out of his eyes. 

It was almost like Light had said he understood. 

"Goodbye, Light" L leaned in for one last kiss. It was a gentle brush of lips but he was able to whisper one last secret to Light. "I love you…"

Watari pretended he didn't hear the poignant whisper and looked straight ahead, a lump forming in his throat. He'd never expected to exprience L loving someone. Being L hardly warranted time for such things and he supposed even if it did such a sad ending was inevitable. Love was weakness and L couldn't afford to be weak. He'd captured Kira despite his feelings for him yet he'd waved off execution in the hope Light could be rehibilitated. Now that was simply not possible and this execution was an act of mercy. 

Light's face crumpled with pain and he clutched at L's hands tightly, confused terror in his eyes. 

L could do nothing but hold him as Light trembled in his arms, teeth clenched against the pain. He lifted a trembling hand to Light's scraggly hair and smoothed the auburn strands. He knew providing comfort to Light was impossible now, the boy was dying, but he had to do something. 

Light eventually stilled and slumped in his arms but L remained frozen in place. Light was warm and he could pretend he'd fallen asleep... 

"L" Watari's gentle voice forced him to come back to reality. "We need to leave"

L forced himself to pull away and laid Light back onto his bed. He'd died with his eyes open and L felt like he'd been punched in the gut as he saw his own reflection in those glassy orbs.  _ 'I am so sorry, Light _ '

Ryuk was demanding his apples without a care for the human tragedy playing out before him. 

His legs felt shaky, but L walked away from the corpse sprawled out on the bed. There was no point in looking at it. Light wasn't there, it was just an empty husk. 

Like him. 

"Come by HQ tomorrow, it will be sorted" Watari muttered to the Shinigami before following L out of the room. 

L was silent for the entirity of the journey back to HQ. This was hardly unusual behaviour but Watari found himself wishing the young man would just say something. Anything was better than the wall of silence between them. 

Loss was written all over L's face and he was crying silent tears, droplets sliding down his face and falling off his chin like bitter rain. 

In that moment Watari understood. L wouldn't say anything about the loss of Light. He would carry this scar with him for the rest of his life without saying a word. Because loss couldn't be explained and talking wouldn't help him.

Time would help heal the pain, of that Watari was certain, but it would never heal the wound Light Yagami's insanity and death had caused in L's heart. 

It was little wonder L would not talk. His loss couldn't be expressed in words. 

Only felt…


End file.
